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A Change In Direction

I have been trying to figure out healing all my life. Supernatural healing. God healing. 

Most of my life, I have believed in healing. The churches I have attended believed in healing. Despite that, I don’t think I have actually witnessed a supernatural healing. I’m sure healings have happened to me and those around me. They just seem to be the natural kind as opposed to the supernatural kind. My lack of experience with the supernatural became a problem when I turned 50. My mind and body seemed to turn against me when I crossed that threshold. I started dealing with potential heart issues, joint pain, stiffness and depression. Because of this, I really began to pursue supernatural healing, without any success. I believed all the healing verses, “by His stripes we were healed”…… But healing remained elusive. 

Then I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. A progressive, degenerative disease for which there is no cure. My bodies immune system could not fight this one. The diagnoses did make all of the things my body and mind had been suffering over the past number of years make sense. I continued to seek healing without any physical success. 

Then, out of the blue I felt a desire to write. I decided to write about my journey as a Christian with Parkinson’s. As I began to write, I began to develope a theology that allowed me to be a Christian and still have this disease. It was a theology based on experience and I tried to back it up with common sense and things I could pull from scripture. What I wrote made me feel better. Because almost all of the comments I received were positive, I thought I was close to the mark on what I was writing. Many people said they were helped and blessed reading my writings. This went on for a couple of years. I even published a book and put it on Amazon.

About a month ago, my theology came crashing down. My wife sent me a link to a YouTube video. The title said something about healing. She would send me something like this once in a while. I usually deleted them without watching. I didn’t want my comfortable theology threatened. For some reason, I decided to watch this one. An hour later, I found myself standing still, unable to move any farther down this ( healing had all but ended ) path I had been traveling down. The Minister on the video made too great of a case and I realized that most of what I had written over the past couple of years on healing was wrong. Then my pastor said something during his message that clicked in my spirit. He basically said, ” if you wait to get to heaven to be healed, its not on God,it is on you.” 

So I began to study and seek God. I very quickly changed from a man that believed supernatural healing ended with the Apostles to a man that now believes that Jesus paid for our healing on the cross for all of us. 

What do you think happened next. I was instantly healed? Nope. My symptoms got worse. Obviously something or someone doesn’t like my change in direction. Not only did my symptoms get worse, but last night my wife and I got into a very uncomfortable discussion and some unexpected things came out that showed some of my remaining insecurities about events in my and our past. I think there are some things I need to work through. 

I am now part of a group that deals with past and hidden trauma. There may be some things I need to confront that are hindering my ability to receive healing and are in the way of my becoming the Christian man I was meant to be. Based on the uncomfortable discussion with my wife, I’m not looking forward to digging deeper into those internal things in my past. If the end result is freedom for me to do what God created me to do and be the man he created me to be, it will be worth it. When I’m healed in the process, that will be wonderful.

I thought about removing all my old blog posts regarding healing. Then I decided I would leave them as a record of the progression of my thoughts, even though my thoughts have changed. So, as we travel down this new path, let’s follow Philippians 3:13, ” Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.”

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On The Road To Healing Or Heaven

All of us are on a journey to someplace. The journey started before we were born, in our mothers womb. The road we take on this journey is determined by choices. Choices our ancestors made. Choices our parents make. Choices others make for us. But mostly by the choices we make ourselves.

My journey started in northern Minnesota in 1954. My birthday is October 21st but my journey actually started 9 months earlier. On the day my mother and Dad conceived me, the road I would travel began. All the choices and events of my life have brought me to this place in the road of my journey. Along this road I have experienced many things. I have acquired many things. I have discarded many things. All these things have brought me to this spot on the road of my journey.

As I strain to look down the remainder of my road, it is a bit hazy. Part of the haze is the result of the fact that roughly 15 years ago, I acquired Parkinson’s disease. That altered the course my road would take profoundly. Because of a choice I made when I was 6, the choice to accept Gods gift of Jesus, my ultimate destination has been set. That’s where my road is leading me. The turns and the forks I have taken along the way were determined by the choices I mentioned before. My destination has never changed.

Because of Parkinson’s, I know I will travel the remainder of my journey to heaven either healed, which is what I believe will be the case, or I’ll finish my journey incumbered by this disease and discard all the pain and inconveniences as I walk through heavens gate.

Either way, I will love and trust God with all my heart and I will continue to strive to receive the healing that is rightfully mine.

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Bone For Bone

I know God wants us to love everyone. I don’t know about you, but many times I have found it easier to love someone I share blood with. Yesterday that proved once again to be true for me. I met a cousin I have known all of his life. Or I guess I should say I have known about him. I believe I have met him only once. That was many years ago when he was just a child. We have had no contact up until a couple of years ago when out of the blue, he called me. Ever since that call, we have kept in touch. Through those random touches, we have learned about each other. I had come to know a few main things….I love him, we both love of writing and we both have lived with adversity. He and his sweet wife living as missionaries in China and adopting children. Me living with the ever increasing challenges of Parkinson’s disease.

Yesterday, my wife and I had the privilege of having lunch with him and his wife. It was like meeting someone you have known your whole life for the first time. My wife and I felt our kinship with him and his wife immediately. The short time we were able to spend together was wonderful.

As we drove away from the restaurant, they back to their home in Georgia and us to our home just down the street, I found myself thanking God for them and allowing us to get together.

Proverbs 17:17 says,

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

It’s the same for cousins.

Even though my cousin and I have only seen each other twice in our lives, bone for bone we are the same. Bones get tired and they have trouble carrying all the weight.

I have felt him helping me carry my weight of Parkinson’s and it’s my hope he has felt me carry some of his weight.

Bone for bone and blood for blood we are the same.

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I Dream of Movement

Almost every night of my life, I have had dreams. Some I remember only for a few moments. Some I remember for an hour or so. Some I never forget.

I received my diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease 10 years ago. I have continued to dream. Most of my dreams are pleasant. Some are strange. I rarely have nightmares. In all my dreams, I have never had Parkinson’s. I always move and function normally. The closest I have come to having a problem moving in a dream is one dream I had when I was a child. I was being chased by a bear and I could only move in slow motion…( reminds me of what it feels like to have Parkinsons ). Other than that, I have always dreamt of movement. One of the insidious aspects of Parkinson’s for me is that when I wake up in the morning, for a few moments I will lay in bed and remember my dream of unincumbered movement. For a few minutes each day, I forget I have this terrible disease. Then I move. That’s when all the realities come flooding back. I remember all the pain, trembling, shuffled steps, slurred speech, choking, pills. I remember all the things I use to do that I am now unable to do. It all comes rushing back into the reality of my life. Then I slowly and painfully go through the arduous task of getting out of bed to confront all of the challenges this life of sickness has in store for me.

But I thank God that despite the normalcy my dreams of movement are keeping alive, I am still able to get up in the morning. Thankful that I can still find joy and fulfillment in discovering new ways of traveling this path neither He or I would have chosen for me. Thankful for the joy of loving and being loved by a great wife, great family and friends, and a great God.

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The Panther

 

Rainer Maria Rilkedid wrote these words. They actually describe what it feels like to live in a body and mind locked in the cell of Parkinson’s disease……..

The Panther

His vision, from the constantly passing bars,

has grown so weary that it cannot hold

anything else. It seems to him there are

a thousand bars; and behind the bars, no world.

As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,

the movement of his powerful soft strides

is like a ritual dance around a center

in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.

Only at times, the curtain of the pupils

lifts, quietly–. An image enters in,

rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles,

plunges into the heart and is gone.

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Becoming a Mime Against My Will

As you read these posts, I am inviting you to walk along with me on this Parkinson’s journey. As with all journeys, it is a progression. Depending on what we encounter along the path, the progression is either uplifting and positive, like my discovery of biking, or degenerative and hinders our progress. Something is happening to me that is an example of the latter.

I’m sure everyone has seen a mime. The person that has their face painted white and is trapped inside an invisible box. I am becoming a mime against my will. 

The main tools people use to communicate with each other are speech, body language, hand gestures, facial expressions and writing. The progression of Parkinson’s disease is gradually taking these tools away from me. I am feeling more and more like I’m trapped inside an invisible box. I am constantly flailing about feeling for the walls. I have found the box is getting smaller.

I’m having a lot of trouble talking loud enough and forming my words clear enough so people can understand what I am trying to say.

My body increasingly is not paying any attention to what my brain is telling it to do, (body language).

My hands are also being uncooperative, ( hand gestures ).

A symptom of Parkinson’s is called facial masking. My face muscles also rebel and are losing the ability to show expression.

Writing is becoming more and more difficult, even with technology. If your hands won’t cooperate and voice recognition can’t understand what your are saying, what you become is a mime trapped in an invisible box. Slowly feeling the limits closing in, tediously trying to make some kind of connection with those you see outside the walls of your box.

Despite continually losing more of my ability to communicate, I still have things I want to say. Not just the moment by moment communicating that happens in life with Marcia, my kids and grandkids, family, friends and strangers, but I continue to have thoughts and ideas that may or may not be of some value. My desire is to still be able to express these things and continue to be a contributing member of the human race.

Thankfully, the invisible box travels with me. Also, because it’s invisible, I can see others and they can see me. I have noticed that some people seem hesitant to approach the box. Probably because they are not sure what my abilities are. My desire is that they make the effort to talk to me and I will do my best to talk and respond. I do think I’m a better listener than I was before the box.

Only God knows what lies ahead, but I’m ok with that. As long as my mind keeps coming up with thoughts, I will keep on trying to find ways to express them. I do know that God is not finished with me yet.

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God reaches down

 

There are those moments in life that just stand out. Moments when something happens and you know immediately that you just experienced the hand of God. It is undeniable. You are living your normal life and in a flash, you realize that the Creator of the universe just acted on your behalf.

There have been many of these moments throughout my life. I’m sure there are many more moments that I’m not aware of.

There was the time when I was around 9 years old. I was rock climbing with some friends. There was a wall of rocks with a sheer face about 40 ft high. I started to climb. I was making good progress until I reached my hand up to grasp the top edge to pull myself up. But instead of feeling firm, flat stone, I felt loose sand and gravel. My grip did not hold and I found my body falling back with nothing to stop me hurtling down to the rocks below. As I started to fall back, I felt a hand on my back. This invisible hand pushed me back up so I could grab the top of the rock and pull myself to the top.

One Autumn, my dad, my brother and I were in northern Minnesota hunting partridge. We were walking along an old logging trail and came upon a small river. We decided to stop and rest. After a few minutes, my dad got up and wanted to continue the hunt. I was down by the waters edge and my brother was on top of the bank. As I was preparing to go, I heard a loud blast. Immediately, I felt hundreds of projectiles painfully peppering my face. I reached up with my hands to feel if I still had a face. Thankfully, I did. After I had some time to regain my composure, I realized what had just happened. My brother had mistakenly picked up his shotgun by the trigger. The gun was pointed straight at my head. It went off. Fortunately, between the gun barrel and my face was a small pile of dirt. When the gun fired, the shotgun pellets hit the pile of dirt sending the dirt up into my face. Only one pellet hit me and it just grazed my neck.

A number of years ago, I was running across a field and I came upon a 4 ft high chain link fence. It looked like an easy jump so I launched. I almost made it but the toe of my shoe caught the very top of the fence and sent me head first straight into the ground. The top of my head hit the dirt first followed by the full weight of my body. My head bent violently to the side and I heard a loud crack in my neck. When everything came to a stop, I laid there for a minute trying to evaluate my condition. I was concerned I had broken my neck. I started to slowly move, checking if anything hurt. Nothing did. I got up completely, moving my neck back and forth. Everything worked as normal.

One day, I was standing at a stoplight in downtown Orlando, waiting for it to turn so I could go. The little man came on telling me it was time to cross. But before I started, I heard a voice in my head say “WAIT.” Two seconds later, a small sports car flew past me with no intention of even slowing down. It missed my legs by about six inches. If I had stepped into the street, it would have hit me in the knees at 40 mph. Instead, I made it safely across.

I have talked a number of times about how much I love riding my 3 wheel bike. Just the other day I decided to go for a sunset ride. I went to my garage like I always do. I got on the bike like I always do. I started to back out of the garage, but unlike aways, as I backed down the driveway, I lost control. The bike turned sharply and flipped over. Instead of me riding the bike, the bike was now riding me. As I laid there with my face planted in the grass, a number of thoughts went through my mind. Am I hurt? Even though I felt minor pain in a few parts of my body, it seemed like I was ok. Did any of my neighbors witness this spectacle? No one was coming and I didn’t hear any sirens. Did I damage my bike? I couldn’t answer that question until I knew the answer to the next question. Could I get this bike of off me and could I get up by myself. I started to unravel myself from my bike and found I could stand. I took a body inventory and except for some small bruises, everything still worked. Then I was able to flip my bike over, no damage. I realized that instead of flipping and landing on the hard concrete of my driveway, my bike was directed to flip onto the thick soft St. Augustine grass of my front yard.

As I pushed my bike back into the garage, I found myself again feeling the awe of knowing that the Creator of the universe reaches down His hand in a moment and protects my steps and even directs my bike flips.

“He makes every bike flip a dance!”

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Abandoning Truth

Every person believes in something. We believe in truth. We believe certain things to be true.

An example of this is the truth that Jesus lived, was murdered and after 3 days, came back to life. There are many that will tell you it’s a lie. But even though it happened 2000 years ago and we didn’t actually see it happen, we believe it is something that is true. We believe it’s true because we know it in our hearts and spirits and see the evidence with our minds.

One of the most dangerous things a human can do is to be unwilling to abandon “truth”. To believe in something so much, that despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, to still believe it is true.

There are some people that believe it’s true that other people in the world that have different color skin than they have are inferior to them. Their thoughts, words and actions reflect this truth. They even believe that by acting on this truth they are benefiting mankind. Adolf Hitler believed in a truth that there was a superior race of people and for the benefit of mankind, he was obligated to eliminate everyone that was different. Millions of people died because of what this one man believed was truth.

When the Apostle Paul was still named Saul, he believed it was true that the elimination of Christians was good and he acted on that “truth”. Fortunately, when Paul was confronted by true truth, he was willing to abandon his truth for real truth. And because he adandoned what he had believed was true for true truth, millions upon millions of people have found the true truth about Jesus.

So many of us hold on to truths because we don’t want to consider even the possibility that we are wrong or that something else is right. We hold on to “truth” we aquire through life experiences and hurts. We also aquire “truths” from other people like parents, teachers, friends and aquaintances. Once we accept a “truth” as true, we begin to base our lives, thoughts and actions on that truth, even though it may be a total lie.

All our lives are based on foundations built on what we believe is true. But, if the foundation is a lie, what is built on that foundation is also a lie. That’s why it’s so difficult to abandon what we believe is true because it involves tearing down whatever has been built on that foundation, building another foundation and starting again. It requires us to change our thoughts and actions. It requires us to abandon longheld beliefs and relationships and whole ways of life. That is so hard, but it is so worth it.

So many people believe that God either doesn’t exist or doesn’t care about us because of bad things that have happened. To them, the fact that there is no God is truth. To others, God is completely different than who He really is. Instead of a loving, caring God, He is a wrathful taskmaster that finds joy in his followers killing other people who refuse to follow His way.

So many of the “truths” we embrace or just believe without really thinking about them must be abandoned, such as….

People that are different than us are inferior….

Unborn babies are not really babies and therefore disposable….

God is responsible for all the bad things that happen to us and in the world, or He is just apathetic….

Marriage is disposable…..

All church denominations that are different than our own are wrong and harmful…

These are just a few of the truths we hold on to either actively or passively. To believe these things to be truth can be deadly.

So how do we evaluate our truths to make sure they are true truths and not a lie? Think about the things you believe are true. Really think about them. Ask yourself honestly, does my belief feel true in my heart and sound true in my mind. Ask God, even if you’re mad at Him. Let His Spirit talk to your spirit. Get a Bible and read the message He has written to you. All these things will guide you to true truth.

What will happen is a discovery of truth that isn’t true and needs to be abandoned and a joyful discovery of truth that is worthy to embrace. A truth we can build our lives on.

The fact that God truly loves us is the truest truth.

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Navigating Marriage

Marriage is wonderful. I cannot think of anything more wonderful than to find someone to love and that loves you back. God made humans for marriage. He meant for us to find each other and to make a life together.  God made us different, man and woman. He created us with bodies that physically connect and parts that fit together. Souls that spiritually connect. His ideal is that one man and one woman find each other and stay with each other for life. Two spirits coming together to love each other, intentionally and exclusively. To have children. To love and encourage each other until their spirits are taken from this world.

Marriage is beautiful. Christian marriage is the ideal. Christian marriage is Gods intention and direction for a man and a woman. Unfortunately, because of the fall of man, Gods intention is the rarity rather than the rule. Marriage is still beautiful, but if it’s not a Christian marriage, the married couple are navigating across this ocean of life without a compass or charts or even stars to guide them and their voyage is in total darkness. The Christian couple have a compass and navigational charts, the Bible. They also have the light of the Spirit to guide them and to illuminate their way. 

Sadly, even though God has provided the tools, many Christian couples try to navigate without them. They try to live the married life having committed themselves to each other and to God, but rarely or never open the charts or ask the Spirit of light to shine on their course. This very often leads to sailing the wrong course and ending up in a place they had no intention of going. They may even find themselves shipwrecked on the same rocks non-Christian families crash into.

So if the Christian couple is wise, they will continually use the tools God has provided to stay on the right course.

When a man and a woman get married, they are no longer two separate people. They have now become one person in body and soul. Their two spirits have agreed and vowed this to be true. They no longer live life alone and for themselves. They now face all future events on this earth as one person, the good things and the bad. All of their romantic affection and attention is to be exclusively towards each other. They no longer have the choice to be selfish. Their primary focus in all things is on each other. Their responsibility to love God with all their heart and to love those around them is lived out together.

It is also the privilege of the couple to be a participant in the spiritual growth and character growth of each other. As they learn to live the life God intends for them to live, raising children…getting along with each other and others… how to generously manage their finances, they will learn the correct way to live these things out with the Bible (charts) and the Spirit showing them the way. 

As the married couple study the charts, the following is some of the navigational information they will discover that will help them complete their voyage successfully and arrive at the destination they have planned on reaching together…

Mark 10: 7-8  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

Ephesians 5: 32-33  This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Mark 22: 37-40  Jesus replied: ‘“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.’

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Galatians 5: 19-23  The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

You will notice that on a navigational chart there is information regarding the correct way to go and also information regarding dangers that need to be avoided. 

One of the benefits of traveling life’s voyage together is it gives us the opportunity to encourage each other towards good and warn each other of danger. If both partners are checking the charts and keeping their watch, the voyage will be completed successfully. But if one or the other neglects their duty, they can end up in the wrong place or smashed up on the rocks.

Even though the two have become one, there is still the possibility that one will remain steady at the helm, while the other is neglecting some of their duties. This will put the voyage in danger. The steady partner tries to make the other aware of what they are doing or not doing. The one partner will show the other their error but will do it harshly and with condemnation, without love. This usually causes the partner that needs to change to become offended and refuse to change. In another case, one partner will voice a need for the other to change and do it with love and patience. Rather than accepting the correction, the one in error resents being questioned and they ignore what in reality is Gods gift of correction and takes offense. They refuse to change and jeopardize their life together. 

An example of this is when one member of the marriage notices the other is not loving a certain group of people because of some unimportant, exterior attribute. The other member tries to point out that to love everyone is Gods desire. The unloving person can either consider what their partner is saying and change their way. They can also consider it and decide not to change or not even consider it at all and stay unloving. For the one not to change puts the whole voyage (marriage) in danger. This is true with participation in“acts of the flesh” and the refusal to exercise the “ fruits of the Spirit.” If one partner chooses not to stop participating in the the acts of the flesh or decides to ignore exercising the fruit of the Spirit, the other partner of the marriage has no other option than to stay at the helm and pray, keep studying the charts ( The Bible ) and continue to love their mate. 

Marcia and I have been married for 33 years. It has been a fantastic voyage. We have referred to the navigational charts and allowed the Spirit to light our way. We have raised our kids and made a life with and for each other and those around us. Yes, there were moments when we misread or ignored the charts. We have run aground a few times. When that happened, we have opened the charts, adjusted our course and continued on our voyage together. 

There have also been times when one of us dropped the tiller. I believe we have always listened to each other’s wisdom and correction and made the changes we needed to make. 

We have now encountered some rough seas on our voyage. We must navigate with half of our crew struggling with the limitations of Parkinson’s disease. But despite these rough seas that we did not see on our charts, we will travel on.

With the light of God, His word and the Spirit, this “one flesh” that is Mark and Marcia will complete our voyage successfully. 

It is my true hope and desire that when Marcia and I discard this one flesh we now occupy and put on our new bodies, we will continue our voyage over the horizon and into the sunset of eternity.

  

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I’m Jealous of Air

I’m jealous of the air. Moment by moment she desires it unceasingly. The air doesn’t care if she desires it or not. The air doesn’t care.

I’m jealous of the sun. Day by day she desires its warmth and light. The sun doesn’t care if she desires it or not. The sun doesn’t care.

I’m jealous of the rain. She misses it when its gone too long. The rain doesn’t care if she misses it or not. The rain doesn’t care.

I’m jealous of water. She regularly desires to have it touching her body. Every part of her body. Parts of her body that have always exclusively been saved for water and me. Water doesn’t care if it touches her or not. Water doesn’t care.

I’m jealous of a piece of glass. Glass that she touches many times a day. Glass that encourages and strengthens her relationship with others. The glass doesn’t care if she touches it or not. The glass doesn’t care.

The reason for the jealousy is not due to her. The reason is me. Something that is a part of me neither of us wanted or asked for. Parkinson’s disease.
All these things I’m jealous of are due to my inability to show her how much I need her and desire her. Relationship, especially marriage relationship requires subtle messages being communicated between the two people. Parkinson’s has robbed me of that ability. Without those subtle messages from me, she has no idea what my desires and wants are. Parkinson’s has also taken away most of my ability to physically express my ever-increasing love and desire for her. Limitations in my body due to rigidity and pain and my voice and communication challenges make it almost impossible to romance her the way she needs to be romanced by her husband.
Having Parkinson’s disease is hard, both for me and the one that promised herself to me forever.
I’m sure that there may be a small amount of jealousy when she sees another happily married couple that are not burdened with this hideous intruder invading their lives. But that’s ok. My hope is that she can still enjoy what we do have together and not mourn to much the things we have lost. And I hope she will always know of my love and desire for her, even as I lose the ability to show it.